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I’m writing this post in faith. I still need to cross over. I’m only starting the piece in anticipation of the testimony. It’s not far away. I see it with my eyes of faith and trust God to fulfil His Word.

My opening statement is me starting the piece about three days before the release of my results for my MBCHB final part one exams. It’s been my most challenging exam yet, which is understandable. I’ve always known that the higher you go, the harder it becomes. I believe it’s the same for God’s grace. The more brutal the battle, the more God gives you grace for and in the struggle.

Last year, I had my first resit in medical school. Actually, this is my first resit in life. I have always proven to be academically competent, by the grace of God, in every place I have been, and I have never failed any exam or not made a pass. I have never had to rewrite anything until this. I knew medical school would change me in many ways, but I never expected it to be this way. I know someone is reading this and saying one resit is nothing. People have failed multiple and didn’t make a big deal out of it, so one is nothing. But suffering isn’t a competition. So this ache is very valid. My whole medical school experience was tainted. For most of my life, I had woven an intricate but very delicate identity around my academic performances in school. But this resit shattered everything. 

I would go on to write it and pass. I would also pass all my examinations left for my third year, but the fact that I had a referral would hover over me for a long time. I would continuously question myself, my abilities and my God. It left me constantly doubting myself at every point and belittling my strengths and all the good things I know to be true about myself. 

My internal critic is very loud and very damaging. Sometimes, I get overwhelmed, and there’s a war in my mind. It is not pleasant. I think this is a familiar experience for most of us when things are going south. But I thank God for His grace that always brings me back to his peace. 

Throughout my fourth year(which just ended two weeks ago), I felt this internal critic constantly reminding me that I wouldn’t make it. People who cared about me would find time to tell me about what the fourth year entails, the structure of the exam and the requirements to pass. They would do this because they wanted to guide me. They had perfect intentions, but my heart would sink every time I had a session like that. I would always think back to third year and say, “If I couldn’t pass one multiple choice paper, what makes me think I would pass a viva, an essay, multiple choice questions and OSCEs”. These thoughts were loud. From time to time, I would be studying and just stop. I would close my books because what’s the point, you see. Why learn when I’m already going to fail. I told myself I can’t do it. Thats that. End of story.

I can’t remember exactly when I decided not to give up, but my friend sent me a very encouraging sermon by Prophetess Leslie Osei titled Vessels Which Hold Revival Rain(you can find it on YouTube). That probably set me up for all that was coming after. 

I was still struggling to keep myself afloat. This whole thing about my shattered identity stemmed from realising that my strength would fail me. And it did. That was my example. I wasn’t perfect, no matter how hard I tried to be. Sometimes, I will fail. That’s life. The race is not to the swift, nor the battle to the strong, nor bread to the wise…but time and chance happen to us all. So, I decided to do my part and let God take care of me. He said he would take care of me. It’s in His word. I learnt in this period that God is the God of the resit and the God of my success. God in the valley; God on the mountain. Unless you face adversity, you won’t experience the hand of God in adversity. Until you’ve seen the storm, you won’t experience the calm that God brings within it. Sometimes, all it takes is getting to the end of yourself and all your strength to see that God delivers. 

I was struggling. God saw my need and brought people along my path to teach and encourage me. My friends and my seniors remembered me. Everyone was lending a helping hand. God put people in my life for my success. People I reached out to for assistance did not turn me down. Before this, I had always been a loner when it came to studying. It’s not pride that kept me from reaching out to people. I didn’t need to. But this time around, I did. Someone out of the blue would encourage me when I couldn’t encourage myself. People believed in me when I couldn’t believe in myself. People had the patience to teach me when I struggled to grasp things. I would open my Bible, and the passages would speak directly to me. The Holy Spirit was comforting me and giving me peace. I wrote in my journal two days before the start of the final part 1 examinations:

“I’ve seen God give me peace before, but this peace is different. This is the peace that precedes victory. I have no words, but there’s a new song in my heart even as I type this. It’s God. It’s God.”

So now it’s been two days since our results were released. And guess what? I passed. I passsssseddd. God, my words fail me. My heart is just so full! To some, this is just another passing of an examination, but to me, my testimony goes beyond Final Part One. God didn’t just help me pass my exam. He healed that part of me that was doubting myself and God. He gave me peace when it looked like chaos, joy and a new song when the enemy wanted to discourage me, and showed me his love and mercy when I didn’t deserve it.

I pray that when you read this, whether in a valley or on top of the mountain, you see God there. Because He is with you always.

I’ve waited so long for you.

I’ve been holding on to you for some time. I say “some time” to make the period seem shorter than it is. But it’s been three years. I’m still trying to figure out why. I really don’t know. Recently, I had to conclude that memories of us are deeply imprinted on my heart because I was my best self with you. To forget you, forget us, means forgetting that self, and I can’t do that. She was so pure and vibrant, possessing a different kind of beauty and joy. I’m holding on because some part of me still thinks there’s a chance for us in the future. Distant or near.

My photos widget decided that yesterday was a perfect time to display an image of you, and I stared longer than I should have. Someone would have deleted every trace of you to save them from insanity. But not me. This is not the kind of insanity I want to be protected from.

I keep waiting so long for you.

I get the feeling that I keep searching for you, unconsciously, in everyone. Weird, maybe. Think whatever you will. 

Sometimes, consciously. I notice the physical characteristic, and I’m drawn to what looks like you.

I keep evading love, or the appearance of it, because I’m chasing what existed three years ago. Unhealthy, maybe, but in my delusional little head, I’m convinced I can find someone like you. In the process, I’ve left a trail of broken hearts and broken myself. Everything seems forced with everyone else, no matter how hard I try. What I’d risk to be close to you again.

I’m still waiting...

I don’t know why I had mental images of you walking through the lobby holding a bouquet today. My mind says they’re roses. Pink roses. You’re adjusting your collar, then looking at your wristwatch as if doing a last-minute check on yourself. You’re headed in my room’s direction. You take a deep breath before you knock because you’re nervous. You’ve not seen me in so long. Then I open the door, and there you are. I can tell by the look on your face that you’re wondering if I’ll even recognise you. I’m stunned, too, because it feels so surreal.

All of a sudden, I’m aware of my surroundings again.

How I wish it wasn’t just in my head. That you weren’t just in my head. Why does my mind do this to me?

I don’t need to think when I write about you. I just need to feel, remember. The paragraphs craft themselves as my heart speaks.

I still don’t know what roses smell like. I never got the chance to get them from you.

It rained today. It’s been raining a lot these days. Pretty overwhelming. A little rain is good: the weather becomes cool, and you sleep well, too, especially when it’s late. But a lot of rain? You can’t go outside or do anything fun outdoors. 

I had things in the washer that finished spinning hours ago. I was waiting for the right opportunity to hang them outside.

I walked out the door after the rain subsided. I was looking for the sun. I walked around for a bit, looking at the sky. I was searching for assurance that my things would get close to dry. 

I just started thinking out loud. 

I’ve seen how exquisitely radiant you can be. So why, sun, have you decided to hide behind these grey clouds. You’re the sun, for crying out loud. Please shine like you’re supposed to. Your energy literally sustains the earth. There’s no reason for you to be intimidated. The rain has ended now. Don’t be afraid to come out. This downpour was not meant to last forever. Show the darkness that you can shine through it. Please?

Maybe this message isn’t just for the sun.