Category: Uncategorized

I’m at our usual spot today.

Sitting close to where we last sat together.

I still don’t remember why you liked this place, but you did.

And in a lot of ways, I came to love this place as well.

I could just be myself here. With You.

I even ordered a burger with a side of chips, like you would have. I know you loved ‘dem burgers.

I came to process everything; how it all began, how it all changed.

You’re not across this table for me to take random photos of you

Making random facial expressions I could never comprehend.

You’re not here to try and convince me to eat more food ’cause you can bet it would have been just a can of Sprite and some spring rolls I would have ordered.

You’re not here across this table for us to talk about the latest Young and Free album, or discuss when next there’ll be a gospel concert. So we can invade it.

You’re not across this table for us to talk about God, or salvation or hope.

I miss those conversations.

The fact that it was a love for God that sustained our relationship is a rare thing I can’t forget.

And in ways, it’s the same thing that has broken it.

Because when you left God, you left me too.

I still ask God how you could have drifted away.

But it’s not uncommon. I could have drifted away too.

And I pray for you, that God will bring you back to Him, even if not back to me.

You were His, before you were ever mine.

You were always the rainbow after the storm.

And I still thank God

For the opportunity to love and be loved by you. Bye.

Love,

M.

This post was originally published on July 10th, 2021.

It’s so easy for us to excuse our behaviour, to blame past circumstances or people for how we are or live, instead of realizing that we may be choosing those behaviours ourselves. I’m not saying that people and events don’t affect us. They do. Challenges, stress, and abuse(of any kind) can leave us wandering, scared, insecure and scarred for some time. For some people, it leaves them broken forever.

Is it possible that sometimes we forget that we have the power to choose, change, and heal from the things that have left us dead for some time? Why do we choose the path of misery, shame, and hurt?

Coming to the realization that no matter what has happened to me, I have the power to choose my response is one of the things that has radically changed my life. This power of self-awareness and self-reflection that says, “Yes, this has affected me, and I’ve been hurt by this, but I can choose how I see this. I don’t want misery to creep into my heart. I don’t want to think that my situation is a lost cause. I’m not going to be helpless in this” is of immense value.

Becoming an adult is gradually teaching me that I am responsible for my thoughts, world outlook, choices, feelings and emotions. At some point in my life, I had to overcome(and I’m still in the process of overcoming) my dysfunctions, insecurities, and old patterns and unlearn certain things. It’s my responsibility. I can’t keep using the “that’s just how I am card”. That’s the voice of immaturity and, dare I say, foolishness. People had rough childhoods and still made it. Someone had no money or education but, at some point, went back to obtain the very thing they were deprived of. Everyone is under some duress, and no one is having a straightforward journey in life. One way to overcome this is to choose to be responsible.

We all have the power and the grace of God to define new paths for ourselves, start over and forge ahead regardless of whatever has held us back in the past. You are responsible. You are the force. Nothing is going to change if you don’t do anything about it.

“What lies behind us, and what lies before us are but tiny matters compared to what lies within us” – Ralph Waldo Emerson.

This post was originally published on May 20th, 2021.

When I started my journey in Christ, it was easy for me to recognize the voice of God. I could be walking and conversing with God, knowing that he hears me and believing that He was speaking to me in the depths of my heart. I feel this is what God desires for us-the kind of relationship where He can be everything to us: brother, sister, friend, spouse, boyfriend etc. Yet there are days when I’m gripped by confusing thoughts and anxiety, and it’s hard for me to distinguish which voice is coming from me and which is coming from God. In these times, I feel lonely, like God has stopped speaking but has He?
On one particular day, when I was going through one of these confusing episodes, I asked why He had stopped speaking in my prayer to God. I waited and waited, and yet no response. So I began to tear up, asking God if He had left me all by myself( I get this emotional most of the time). I felt insecurity creeping into my heart and mind.

Then I had one of those “eureka” moments when this thought came to my mind: “His Word, His Word, God’s Word is God’s voice. God is speaking in every page of the Bible”. Slowly, I wiped the tears from my eyes and picked up my Bible, flipping through the pages and looking at the verses I had previously highlighted. All of a sudden, I felt this inner peace. Indeed, God was speaking through His Word. I realized how silly I had been.

I had God’s thoughts, words of encouragement, counsel, will, and so much more sitting by my bedside, and here I was, thinking God had left me. I wished that somehow, automatically, I would hear from Him as distinctly as I used to do when feeding on His Word daily. He hadn’t left; I had moved away from Him. How did I move away? I had started reading the Bible as a sort of ritual: reading every day to meet some target or Bible plan goal I had set for myself. Instead of reading it as the breathing, living, divine presence and Word of the most High God. I had totally missed the point.

The point is this: God is speaking through His Word, and it’s up to us to find out what He is saying. It’s not enough for us to be there and wish we would know what God is saying about a specific situation in our life. Sometimes, the Holy Spirit does speak to us directly, but other times we have to listen to the Bible. Not just read as part of a daily routine but actually listen, meditate and reflect on it. Only then will we hear from God.

This post was originally published on October 30th, 2020.